Phobia of Flying to Love of Flying: The Art and ScienceOf Transformation of Spirit, Belief, Action, and Identity
By Herb Rubenstein
Introduction and Background
Jeff Black had a phobia of flying in an airplane, any airplane, and at the age of 45, he had never gotten into a plane and was certain he was never going to get into a plane. This phobia had tied his arms, beaten him brutally, stole his spirit, controlled his brain, and even worse, cost him a relationship with a woman he really cared for. In fact, this phobia was Jeff Black’s identity and guided and controlled his self-image.
A team of people, including a personal training client of Jeff’s (this author), Jeff’s closest friend, a hypnotherapist, an aviation company office manager, a student pilot seeking her commercial license, and flight instructor at a local aviation company combined were all key, even critical people on Jeff’s team to help him take his first flight. The setting for Jeff’s first flight, called “a discovery flight lesson,” was the well-run Shenandoah Regional Airport in the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia. Bright sunshine, calm winds, and beautiful fall colors helped make for a spectacular, hour-long discovery flight lesson, the inaugural flight in an airplane for Jeff Black at high noon on October 27, 2022, provided by Blue Ridge Aviation.
I had begun planning back in February 2022 on taking two other people in a four-seater propeller aircraft on a flight with a flight instructor over the Shenandoah Valley to see the beautiful fall colors. So, when I mentioned this upcoming flight to Jeff Black and invited him to be one of my two guests on the one-hour flight, he told me how in no uncertain terms, that he could never fly in an airplane. He explained the phobia. He told me that whenever he even thought about flying in an airplane that he kept seeing himself fall out of an airplane.
Immediately upon hearing about Jeff’s phobia, I became committed that Jeff, and any guest of his choice, would be on my fall airplane ride, a discovery flight lesson as Blue Ridge Aviation calls this one-hour introductory flight. I knew we would fly over the Shenandoah Valley and the Blue Ridge Mountains, where Jeff went to college and now lives. Within days my work began assembling the team of people, including a hypnotherapist, who would all work with Jeff to be instrumental in getting him on that plane in October of 2022.
The Art Behind Jeff’s Success
This short article is not an academic article, with no footnotes, no literature review, no discussion of the theory of transformation as it relates to human beings, and no psychological analysis whatsoever. This article is for a general audience who cares about getting over a fear or helping others get over a fear or phobia that is stopping that person from doing what they believe they would like to do someday. This article is not a plug for “courage” because Jeff Black was not exactly courageous while he was sitting in the hanger waiting to take his first flight or sitting in the plane on our taxiing and take off, where he could not even look out the window. He just pointed his head straight down as if he was looking at his shoes. This is also not a story of “you can do everything” because people cannot do everything. This is a story that simply explains the simplest aspects of the “art and science” of how Jeff Black took his first flight, that discovery flight lesson” in an airplane.
When you think you cannot do something due to a fear, maybe lack of resources, or worse yet, because someone else told you that you cannot do it, one option, not the one I recommend, is that you can stop thinking for yourself and decide then and there that you will never be able to do this. Or conversely, you can think for yourself independently of what others tell you and at least “engage the possibility” that you could do this thing that you don’t think you can accomplish. By engaging in “possibility thinking,” just as Jeff did, you can take baby steps, then bigger steps toward doing what you really want to do that you now fear doing. You can, as Jeff did, build a team of supporters who can contribute not only moral and personal support, but also provide resources to help make this happen. For example, one of Jeff’s best friends drove him to the airport with encouraging words all along the way on that fall day in October. That was an important contribution (or service) to the success of Jeff taking his first flight at the age of forty-five.
The “art” of doing something that you think you cannot do begins with how you begin to think in a new way about the phobia or thoughts preventing you from even being able to think positively that you could actually do it. I call this “possibility thinking.”
Step one in possibility thinking is realizing that other people can and are already successfully and safely doing what you want to do and accomplishing what you want to accomplish. Then, possibility thinkers figure out the benefits that could result for them in doing or accomplishing this “new thing.” This helps them envision actually accomplishing the “feat” and reaping the benefits of doing so.
Jeff realized he wanted to fly in a commercial airplane someday to Key West, Florida. Certainly, that thought helped him see how his entire world could open up just from taking the step of “flying in an airplane.” It took Jeff more than a few sessions with an excellent hypnotherapist to help him realize how irrational the idea of falling out of a plane was (seat belts prevent this) and how he, himself, had created this irrational and fear-producing recurring thought he could not dispatch or even control. Jeff, by thinking this through rationally, realized that the fear-producing thought of “falling out of a plane” was only a thought and had nothing to do with the reality of flying today in a modern airplane.
Replacing the fear or phobia-producing thought by actively entertaining the possibility that one can overcome this fear and do something they are scared of doing is a key early step to seeing the possibility of success in undertaking the activity. Doing the activity itself is an essential step in overcoming the fear permanently.
In addition, having that long-range goal and visualizing and thinking about the potential benefits of doing this thing one fears is a key element in helping the mind form a rational cost-benefit analysis that shows how one’s life will be directly improved by tackling the phobia head-on. A third key element of “possibility thinking” is to have a schedule, a deadline for success. In February 2022, our deadline for Jeff’s first flight was clear. It was to get into that airplane when the fall leaves were at that peak, late October. That was the only flight I
was inviting Jeff and his guest to take at my expense. That meant flying in October 2022. No exceptions to the schedule. From the beginning, we were “playing for keeps.” Do this by the end of October 2022, or my invitation to do this would expire permanently.
The Science (Or Process) Behind Jeff’s Success
The science, or process, of overcoming a phobia deals with the steps that a person must take to build up confidence one step at a time so that there is not even “two steps forward and one step back.” That is not how we walk or run. It is always one step forward followed by the next step forward to our destination.
One of the first steps in Jeff’s progress toward flying in an airplane was to have Jeff come and spend time at the airport and watch takeoff and landings. Some people like to convince others to do something by appealing to logic. They say the probability of your falling out of the airplane is “zero,” or worse, say, “the drive to the airport on Interstate 81 is more dangerous than going for a flight in an airplane (which happens to be true).” Both statements are true and should appeal to the logical side of a person one is trying to convince. But the phobia Jeff was having was completely irrational, illogical, and appealing to logic or rationality makes no scientific sense.
When we went to visit the Shenandoah Regional Airport, we first went to the commercial part of the airport and talked to the air traffic controller. He was calm, talked with us about the planes in the air, the coming takeoffs and landings, and presented Jeff with the clear notion that the airport was safe and was run by professionals who knew exactly what they were doing. Then we walked over to Hanger 3 and met the people from Blue Ridge Aviation, the company we would use for the one-hour “discovery flight lesson.” They were not only professional and nice, but after I told them that Jeff had a phobia about flying and had never flown in his 45 years of life, they took us under their wing, walked us out to the airplane parking area next to the runways and had us watch some takeoffs and landings. Those takeoffs and landings were smooth as silk.
Then, as we walked through the place where the private planes were parked, the student pilot, who became certified as a licensed commercial several weeks after we first met her, walked up to a parked plane, opened a door of a plane, and told Jeff to get into the pilot’s seat and buckle the seat belt. She was professional and authoritative. Jeff, for the first time in his life, was now in an airplane and saw how the seatbelts worked. Three steps forward, no steps back.
Upon returning to the hanger, the office manager, Sarah Grefe, asked me if we wanted to schedule our “discovery flight lesson,” a one-hour flight where the pilot not only would fly the plane but would also give all of us a lesson on how the plane worked, how he flew the plane and would answer all of our questions.
We booked the discovery flight lesson and had all of Jeff’s questions answered about the flight, including cost, how much gas it used, how big the gas tank of the plane was, who would be the pilot for the flight, when should we arrive, what was Plan B if the weather or wind kept us from flying that day, etc. Answering Jeff’s questions gave him a sense that no matter what question he could think of asking, the aviation professionals had a good answer, and, more importantly, they appreciated Jeff and his questions. Jeff’s commitment and engagement rose as we toured the airport and booked the flight. Five steps forward, no steps back.
We booked the discovery flight lesson that day, on September 5th, for an October 27th, noon take-off. There was plenty of time for Jeff to get 100% confident about the flight or decide to call the whole thing off. Jeff continued to meet with his team regularly and talk about his upcoming first flight. Jeff began telling lots of people that he was going flying in an airplane on October 27th for the first time in his life.
Sharing and communicating a person’s new goal with others is essential to help the person solidify their commitment and resolve to achieving the goal and overcoming a phobia. Once a commitment is made, and one starts communicating this commitment and new goal with others, people often start to take action to help make this commitment or goal a reality. Jeff made sure he had no plans or business activities for that day. He selected his guest passenger, his good friend, Jeff Goldstein. He started talking about his phobia as just a thought and a past thought at that. He started telling himself he was going to do this. Ten steps forward, no steps back.
On the day of the discovery flight lesson, Jeff was nervous, stomach gurgling, mouth dry, quiet, but he got in the car with his best friend driving him to the airport. I was in the back seat. Jeff and all of us knew he was getting on the plane. As the time for the flight got closer, Jeff got more nervous, needed something to eat to help calm his stomach, had tons of questions for the pilot and others in the hangar, and even asked the pilots there if they flew at night and how they did it.
As flight time approached, we walked out to the plane with the pilot. The pilot, in an act of both empathy and sheer brilliance (EQ), went through his entire checklist with Jeff listening to every word and watching everything the pilot was doing. The pilot told him about his experience, 500 flights, how perfect a day it was to be flying (best weather and visibility of the season, he said), and told Jeff where to sit and when to get into the plane. Jeff was starting simultaneously to calm down and also barely be able to avoid a full-fledged panic attack. The pilot’s actions in starting the plane, taxiing out to the runway, and even the takeoff were all smooth and confidence-building. Jeff was scared and until the plane reached cruising altitude (about one minute after liftoff), Jeff looked down, almost down to the floor of the plane. I mentioned this to the pilot, who then told Jeff the nose of the plane would come down as we leveled off to cruising altitude, and Jeff should begin looking out of the window. Fifteen steps forward, no steps back.
Then, the pilot asked Jeff, a lifelong resident of the area, where he wanted to go and what he wanted to see. Jeff said he wanted to fly over his university, James Madison University, and Massanutten, a beautiful ski and golf resort. Another big step forward as Jeff was now directing (though not piloting) where the plane was going to go. Jeff began taking pictures, noticing the huge chicken coops, and saying they should not raise chickens that way. He began to see how great it is, how eye-opening it is, to see the earth from a thousand feet above the ground. He noticed the beauty of the mountains and valleys of the Blue Ridge Mountains. He relaxed. He took the picture below of the beautiful Massanutten ski and golf resort. Twenty steps forward, no steps back.
We landed, took the “victory” picture below. Jeff Black is in the middle, Jeff Goldstein on the left and I am in the right. Then, we went to lunch to celebrate (Jeff buying).
Soon after lunch, Jeff started telling his “Facebook friends” about his past phobia, his great flight, and how he did this. He was overwhelmed with over 200 comments applauding him and patting him on his back. And Jeff took the next step. He told his thirteen-year-old daughter, who has never flown, he would like to take her on a flight. He is also now thinking about where he will fly someday, including the Florida Keys. He knows he will never fall out of an airplane. He knows he will fly again. Twenty-five steps forward. No steps back.
Jeff now realizes how great, rewarding, and safe flying in an airplane is. He liked being at a small regional airport, and he liked all the people who work there. The then-student pilot, who has since become a fully licensed commercial pilot, who walked us to the runway, Melissa Stanley, instantly became a true role model for
Jeff. Jeff knows Melissa, herself, must have overcome lots of obstacles to her success, becoming one of the few women to become a commercial pilot in our region and in the nation.
Jeff is now working on the final step in the science of achieving something that one either believes they cannot do or have a great fear or phobia about doing this. He is now reaching out to others who regularly fly in airplanes. Because as Jeff has transformed, he can now say to those who fly regularly in airplanes, “I used to be different. Now I am the same.” Understanding the “sameness” one has with others in a community one has just joined or be introduced to is essential to building a strong bond and community with others. Only when the butterfly realizes that he or she is a butterfly can one truly join the community of butterflies.
Now Jeff will be in the community of people who don’t think twice about getting on an airplane. Being in that community will solidify the final step to overcoming a fear and succeeding in the face of a severe phobia. That final step is to create a “new identity,” and Jeff’s new identity now includes, for the first time in 45 years, these statements:
I fly in airplanes.
I am successful in overcoming my phobia of flying in airplanes.
I see the value of flying in airplanes.
I love flying in airplanes.
Thirty steps forward. No steps back.
Conclusion
Neither the “art” nor “science” of overcoming a stifling phobia or belief that one cannot accomplish something is complicated, but it is very difficult. There can and will be challenging, conflicting, confounding, and complicating factors along the way. In Jeff’s case, no one during this entire process said he could not overcome his phobia. No one said Jeff could not be a passenger in a plane. No one said Jeff could not achieve what he set out to achieve. No one actively tried to stop Jeff from achieving his goal of flying in an airplane. Full support may be rare for those seeking to do something they could not bring themselves to do in 45 years of life. But it is an essential ingredient in overcoming such a huge fear as the one Jeff had about flying in a plane.
Having people actively work against a person when they seek to achieve a goal increases the difficulty of achieving any of the key steps to achieving that goal. Everyone seeking to accomplish something they could not accomplish previously must be prepared for people to not support you as you seek to achieve what is truly a “stretch goal.” Many people will be unsupportive when they do not even realize that they are being unsupportive. Many will question a person over and over about how “realistic” the goal is or how “capable” the person seeking to accomplish the goal “really is.” Everyone seeking to achieve a stretch goal must be clear that they only have to listen to one voice, their own supportive voice, to make great strides toward achieving the goal.
One step forward, no steps back is the ideal process, but there will be things that get in the way that maybe no one could have ever imagined could occur. These unexpected “setbacks” must be dealt with in a positive manner by the person seeking to overcome a phobia or fear. That is easier said than done. During the early planning stage for reaching any goal, one should seek to identify all foreseeable potential “barriers” to success and make preliminary plans for overcoming each of those barriers. This is the central teaching of the “Path-Goal Theory of Leadership.” Overcoming a goal requires not only discipline but self-leadership as well as the leadership of the team supporting you in achieving the goal.
Jeff formed a team, and each person on the team took a leadership role in assisting Jeff not only fly for the first time but love flying “right out of the box.” As you seek to achieve a goal or get over a fear that impedes your ability to succeed, you may not have time to methodically go through a step-and-step progress in either your planning stage or in the execution stage. But planning is very useful and will pay great dividends, especially when times get rough.
Sometimes, success requires leaps, taking chances along the way, and is helped along by “luck,” or the perception that one is on track to achieve the goal. But the more you plan on how to deal with barriers, plan on being successful, and know how to manage yourself in a positive way after you have started on the road to success, the better you will feel about the hard part - staring down the fear, dissolving the phobia that has prevented you reaching your goal in the past and building your own voice and confidence in the matter.
Ultimately, with success, your identity will grow, even transform, whether you succeed at first or not. You may change your goals mid-stream by either increasing them or altering them in some other way. Pursuing a stretch goal will help create a new and better identity for yourself. Once you have achieved a difficult goal, the process you used can be repeated day in and day out in your life, helping you become a better, happier, more accomplished you. The butterfly never looks back. It is not easy going from a grasshopper to a butterfly. But the reward of such a transformation is surely worth the effort.